Putting Pleasure Back on the Agenda With Relationship & Sex Therapist Selina Nguyen

Heads up, this article includes sexual wellness products from our Adore Beauty sex category. Now, onwards!

How often do you think about your pleasure?

If our recent Pleasure Space survey is any indication, it's likely not as frequently as one might assume.

Traditional stigmas and beauty standards are eroding. We're embracing a new era of openness, recognising the profound links between sexual wellness and our emotional, physical and mental health.

Yet, surprisingly, just over half of our survey respondents actively seek out pleasure as a part of their wellness routine.

Which begs the question: In an age of unprecedented sexual wellness discourse, why do conversations about pleasure remain shrouded in secrecy?

To unravel these complexities and understand the challenges faced by individuals – especially women (cis and trans), LGBTQIA+ and non-binary identifying – we sought guidance from queer Relationship and Sex Therapist, Selina Nguyen.

Based in Gadigal Land/Sydney, Selina (@sexwith_sel) empowers her clients to define meaningful relationships, sexuality and pleasure on their terms.

In the wealth of insights Selina shared, I've distilled the most invaluable points below for our Beauty IQ readers.

So collectively, we can put pleasure back on the agenda.

How does incorporating pleasure into one's routine impact overall wellbeing?

"[Pleasure and wellbeing] are inherently connected to each other, sometimes even synonymous.

When we break down the skill of seeking out pleasure and what’s required of us to do so, it means asking ourselves what we want, taking action, having the luxury of time and space to do so, honouring our needs and feeling connected to our bodies.

By honouring our desires, we end up happier and this makes us better partners, friends and family members, and it also gives the people in our lives the permission to do so as well."

What are some practical ways we can prioritise our pleasure?

"I think a big part of it comes down to time management.

Everyone often rolls their eyes and it’s often an underrated part of sex therapy, but the ideas go hand-in-hand.

If you want to learn or get better at a new skill, you have to dedicate time, consistency and discipline towards it. If you want to prioritise pleasure, you have to do the same.

It can be useful to develop a practice or ritual around it, or incorporate it into small everyday tasks like your daily shower or lunch.

It can be as simple as wearing your favourite silky robe, choosing to eat your lunch in the sun or using that body lotion that smells like spring."

Here are some little pockets of pleasure to add to cart:

• LBDO Essensual Oil

• PMD Silversilk Pillowcase

• SALT BY HENDRIX Rose Coco-Soak 220G

• Lumira Glass Candle – Cuban Tobacco

In your experience, what are some common obstacles people face when pursuing their sexual pleasure?

"The most common obstacles I come across in my practice are a combination of shame and a lack of healthy or positive role modelling.

Shame comes in various shapes and flavours. It can be cultural, social, religious or familial, and it can be about anything from body image to purity culture to gender or sexual diversity to particular kinks.

It’s often really difficult to untangle because it’s part of the cultural and social water that we swim in.

It’s hidden in passing comments about watching the way we dress to not give off the wrong impression at a bar, it’s hearing someone slut-shame someone else, or it’s being judged for our sexual orientation.

It’s all these explicit and inexplicit messages that we internalise about the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to exist.

It ties in with the lack of healthy or positive role models when it comes to pleasure where many of us relied on porn to teach us about sexuality.

The tide is definitely changing now, but for a long time and in many spaces still, we don’t have a reference point for what diverse sexual pleasure means or looks like."

Why do you think there’s an intergenerational gap in pleasure? How can we address it?

"I often see this in real-time in my practice where older generations generally didn’t get the conversations that we’re having now.

They didn’t get the resources and TV shows about sex education and informed discussions about consent, and as a result, sex is often bound up in obligation and your duty as a partner rather than about sexual pleasure.

For a lot of older women that I work with in particular, it’s a job that you tick off the list so that your partner doesn’t bother you for another month.

Of course, this experience isn’t limited to women or older generations, but I often see the gap in not having the skills, knowledge or resources to bring about change.

When we talk about addressing this gap, it’s looking at the things that have been working for the last few years for everyone else - conversations about pleasure and how our bodies inevitably change, exposure to positive role modelling, and making resources accessible and inclusive."

Almost a quarter of respondents said they aren’t comfortable discussing sex with friends.

How can we create safe spaces for individuals to ask questions and seek guidance about sexual wellness?

"I think it’s useful for people to know that even as a sex therapist, I didn’t come out of the womb comfortable and wanting to talk about sex with everyone.

It wasn’t until my Masters in Psychosexual Therapy and I started working in the space that I felt truly comfortable to do so.

Whether you’re the friend who doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it or you’re the friend on the receiving end, there’s a lot of power in just sharing your experiences and knowing that you’re not alone in how you feel.

You don’t need to be an expert or have all the answers.

So think of these conversations as you would any other tough conversation.

For example, about depression, anxiety or boundaries, you approach it with care and non-judgement.

You acknowledge that you’re human and because of that, it means we don’t have everything figured out, and that’s ok."

How crucial is open communication in bridging the pleasure gap?

"This is the number one skill I work on with almost all clients because it opens up the path for us to honour our needs, for our partners to support us in doing so, and for us to do the same for them.

Especially on a functional level, communication is important because none of us are mind-readers and all of our bodies are incredibly different, so what we need or enjoy will be incredibly different and fluid.

Having open lines of communication supports everyone involved to feel comfortable, empowered and connected, knowing that our needs will be heard and respected."

What advice would you give to individuals and couples who find it challenging to discuss their desires openly?

"Many people find it difficult to talk about their desires for many reasons including shame, embarrassment, poor communication generally or simply lack of previous positive experiences talking about sex.

So it’s important to understand the ‘why’ in order to effectively tackle the ‘how’.

The tried and true methods are learning and practising by having these conversations outside of the bedroom and outside of the pressure cooker that sex can be.

It helps take the pressure off expectations and supports us in coming to these conversations with a more level head and more objectively, rather than receiving it as a personal attack which I often see with some couples."

According to the survey, 59% of respondents consider masturbation a regular part of their routine.

How does self-pleasure contribute to sexual empowerment and overall sexual wellness?

"Self-pleasure offers us a way to learn more about our bodies, and it gives us a foundation and often a script for what feels good and to be able to share that with partners.

It's in itself a form of sexual empowerment because it’s this act of identifying and honouring our sexual needs and desires, and showing ourselves that our pleasure matters even if there isn’t another body involved."

What advice would you give to individuals who may feel apprehensive about exploring their own bodies?

"For those feeling apprehensive, start slow.

Particularly for folks who experience gender or body dysmorphia or have experienced sexual violence, the body can be a terrifying place to exist in.

So start with parts of your body that you feel comfortable or at least neutral about, like your hands, neck or arms, playing around with different types of touch, pace and pressure, even using moisturisers, body oils or sensory tools and paying attention to what feels good.

It’s about widening our definition of pleasure so that it’s not just focused on our genitals and rather, spending time getting to know ourselves in this new light."

Here are some sensory products to explore your self-pleasure:

• Clarins Tonic Body Treatment Oil

• Aceology Ice Globe Facial Massager Set

• Shhh Silk Eye Mask

• LBDO Essensual Vibe - Stone

The survey found 71% of responders said their views of their own sexual needs have changed significantly in the past 10 years.

What factors are driving these changes? And what do you hope to see in the next 10?

"In the past ten years, there has been this visceral shift in conversations about sex, pleasure and consent.

It’s a cumulation of the #MeToo movement, shows like Netflix’s Sex Education, sex positivity really being amplified by influencer/celebrity culture and educational content being more accessible than ever before.

We’re developing the language to have nuanced conversations about sex. We’re being exposed to diverse experiences and perspectives around sexuality, which gives us the space and permission to make informed choices.

In the next ten years, I would love to see how this trickles down into younger generations learning about their bodies, pleasure and sexuality.

I’m already seeing clients who are parents wanting to learn how to talk about positive sexuality so that their children don’t experience what they had to go through.

It’s really nourishing for me to see and imagine the ripple effects this will have on things like poor mental health, eating disorders and rates of sexual violence."

We know things like stress, anxiety and other life factors can impact our self-esteem and sexual pleasure, often removing the desire for sex completely.

What advice can you offer readers to prioritise their pleasure without feeling shame or pressure?

"I always first acknowledge that being able to prioritise pleasure without shame or pressure is a practice and for many, it’s a lifelong journey.

It’s not a one-and-done experience because we live in a society where we have to work to earn money, do laundry or raise children and other unpleasurable though necessary things.

Pleasure is not inherently productive by society’s definition of ticking things off the to-do list or earning money, and it makes it hard to disentangle shame and pleasure because there’s always going to be something more productive you could be doing with your time.

For some, it might not even be a realistic goal to prioritise pleasure without feeling shame because shame is a perfectly valid human emotion in that cultural context.

Instead, the goal might be learning how to acknowledge the shame and still decide to put your pleasure first because it matters.

It’s posing the questions: ‘If I was prioritising my pleasure, what would be different about my life? Who would I be with? What would I be doing? What steps can I take to bridge that gap?'"

Final Thoughts.

On that note, we've teamed up with content platform Sunroom to introduce the Pleasure Archetype Quiz.

Answer a few quick questions, and we'll reveal your unique Pleasure Archetype alongside tailored resources on tips to empower you to prioritise your pleasure - your result may surprise you, mine certainly did!

Ready to discover your Pleasure Archetype? Head here to take the quiz.

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